i havent posted a blog lie the one im about to in a very long time, but here it goes.

im more then happy to say i have found someone that is holding my heart and keeping it safe. i hold his as well, i could not be happier if i tryed, he loves me as i him, we are right for each other and he wouldnt hurt me, the hard part is not being able to see each other, we live in two different states but we are making it work. he's my heart and soul now and i love him forever and ever. and an extra day! <3

where do you go when the light scare you?

into the dark.

where do you go when the dark scare you?

into the light.

where do you go when light and dark scare you?

i dont know..

where do you go when there is no where to go?

who do you turn to when your alone?....

why do i even try to find someone?

why do i trust people that only end up hurting me?

whats so wrong with me that everytime i turn around someones hurting me?

i cant answer the qustions i have asked you. and neither can you, atleast not with out knowing what im talking about...

so i have this friend danny, my bestie got use all to hand out so she could try and get us togeather. so we hung out and found that we like alot of the samethings. so we started to hang out alot and even watched the sunset togeather.

i started to fall for him. i thought it might be starting to go somewhere. that was a bad thing for me to think. because come to find out he doesnt like me he likes my bestie. and she tells me that if she wasnt dating her boyfriend she would date danny. it hurts to hear her say that. so after finding out that she likes him and he likes her, they start to hang out alot more. then she starts to talk about ending it with her boyfriend, and she starts to talk about danny more and more. meanwhile i sit there and listen and feel as my heart turns to dust.

so after hearing all this we start to fight a little because im upset that she would one end it with her boyfriend for another guy and  two the other guy being the one i like and she tryed to set me up with. and then i find that danny wont speak to me (we where(are still i think) really goodfriends.) so that hurt. then i found that its kinda her fault he wont. because she took what i said wrong and told danny befor talking to me about it. then today i call her to find that she had ended it with her boyfriend last night and she's at the lake with danny. and its 10:00 and danny still wont talk to me.

im hurt and mad and just fucking wishing i could see whats wrong with me. i feel like i cant trust anyone and i also feel like im unlikable or something... this is the 3rd tim in a row that i'v got hurt by someone. this is getting old and im done with it. im very much wishing someone could tell me whats wrong with me so i can fix it. im also wishing that i could fix things with danny because i dont want to lose a gooodfriend over something that wasnt even understood right..

i got alot on my mind and no one to go to. i sit in my room and just think, and i dont like what i think about. it makes me upset......

what i have to think about is.....

-my moms in the hospital

-she has blood clots

-she had a stroke

-she’s making six blood clots an hour

-the blood clots are all in her head

-there’s a chance she could die

and i cant do anything but sit here and watch. i feel alone, and helpless. i sit here and watch and listen to the heart beats of so many. so many that are scared that we're going to lose something so dear to us. im one of those many. all i can do tho is think and be alone......

he talked to me for a little bit to tell me he and his gf brock up. but then didnt tell me they where back togather and "engaged" again. and just a bunch of shit that hurts me and im sick of being hurt, im sick of falling for guys that play games. so im trying to let go of him. we're not even friends i think at this point, and it hurts so much more, and grrr all he does is make me cry. it really sux cuz he was everthing i'v ever wanted in a guy. he made it so easy for me to fall for him. i fell to fast. he to quickly became my heart and soul.

he wasnt like this, atleast thats not what i thought, when we frist started talking he was hella sweet. he called me baby and sexy and cutie and so many other things. he txted me every morning just to see how i slept. he even told me he loved me at one point, so much. with all this how could i help but not fall for him?

not only does.....er....did he have the persanality of the guys that is right for me but he also looked the part everything that i dreamed my guy would look like he had. he was also the only one to save me when i had no one, so you see i couldnt help but fall for him.

but now i live with the pain of knowing  that everthing that saved me was lies. now i have to be careful not to think of him or i die a little more inside. its comeing to the point where i dont even want to get up in the morning, i know its stupid of me to be this way with someone that was never really mine but it seemed and kinda felt that way. i mean he said he liked me he said he wanted to have my hand in his he said he wanted to kiss me. so what else was i ment to think? i wasnt a where of the girlfriend at the time. i mean he had said something befor alll this but i thought they had brocken up but then i look at his page and it says engaged and then a cupple weeks after that he tells me they arent togather any moer but then doesnt tell me they are.....

im sry i cant keep writeing this im hurting as it is and writeing this and re-liveing everthing i went through just hurts so much more. goodnight to all

okay i go to a school where when you walk down the halls you see cheerleaders and jocks. you see people dressed in the school colors and everything else.

you hardly see any students that dress in black clothes or bright neon clothes or just has a differnet kinda of fashion like me and my friends. i can actuly tell you the total number of kids like me and my friends. there is about 20 maybe a little more. but you see i go to a school with over 1000 kids i belave thats the number.

so the cheerleaders and jocks find it funny to make stupid comments about thouse of us who deside to exsperase our selfs.

like this guy today that almost got his ass kicked by me.

i was in my cooking class and this guy sitting across frome me said "holly, what kind of music do you listen to?" i told him i listen to Alt. and rock, he then asked what "do you listen to screamo?" i said yes hopeing that would be the end of our little conversation but no he had one more to ask he said (and im not makeing this up. this is what he really said) "do you listen to emo music? are you a little emo? could i brow your razor? oh wait you need it for when you cry." and then he laghfed. but he wasnt for long becouse i put him in his place i said "listen ass fuck just becouse you feel like shit and you dont know what its like to really love someone and just becouse you think that you are better then everone doesnt give you the a fucking right to sit there and tell me that i do this shit and that im this and that." i was mad and he just didnt fuck stop so i got up and moved away.

well im not done there. i have another story for you.

i get onto my myyearbook and there's this post on there that says "EMO's cry" well i want to see what shit this is. and it said one thing. "Emo's cry after sex they go cut themselfs and wright in there black diery about how they feel used" i was pissed again when i saw this becouse this is messed up. in more ways then just makeing fun of "Emo's"

are people this stupid that they have to lable people and make fun of them like this. its shit and i dont put up with it. its time someone said this FUCKING STOP!!!!

dont sit around and put others down becouse you feel like shit. if you dont like someone becouse they dont look or act like you, witch is stupid, then keep it to your self.

last night i made a blog called "REALY???!!!!" in my blog i called all guys assholes. now im not going to take it back and say sorry for it becouse it is how i feel. but what i will say is that i shouldnt think that about all guys and i shouldnt say there all assholes becouse there might be some out there that are really good. i mean i thought the guy that hurt me was the greatist person i had ever known. so there really could be good one out there, right? i hope so.

but let me tell you why i wrote that blog.

this guy i know told me he likes me and i him. he was so sweet. he would txt me every morning over breack just to see how i slept. he also told me he wanted to kiss me and alot of stuff like that. it doesnt really matter but he is drop dead gorgues. i could feel myself falling for him to fast and to hard but i didnt care becouse i was so happy for once. i thought he was the best thing that had ever happened to me. he sent me an email one, after i lost my phone so we couldnt talk, that said just one sintince "i miss talking to you love" and that onec sintice made me smile and i felt like nothing could hurt me now.

i was wrong. i got on my myspace last night and thought i would see if he was on so we could talk. i went to his page to check and on his relashionship thing it said ENGAGED. so i went to her page, i knew it was her cuz it was his no.1 friend on his top, and on her's i saw ENGAGED and "i love my feonc'a" at that momnet i couldnt see anything and my haert felt like someone hade played kick ball with it.

i dont think it would had hurt so much if this guy that i trusted and fell hard for wouldnt had be my friend to start with. and wouldnt had be one of my good friends either.

this is the resone behind my blog last night but in all truths i havent even talked to the guy about it. for i veary well know it could just be say but if he has a girlfriend and is telling me that he likes me and that he want to kiss me thats still wrong but i gauss its not as bad ans him being ENGAGED.